new beginnings by choice, no force. love is in the air, this spring breeze. gentle touches that give me chills down my spine, patience leaves my legs shaking and I dont wanna wake up, use to the feeling of falling but this is too good, dont want it to stop, dont let it. mind is right, for once things are feeling good. eye contact. stares. and i know you can see yourself in my future. minds eye. ready to give up my old ways.
But than again i'm lonely, and its a different lonely than i've felt before..before I felt really alone, now it's just a feeling of something missing, someone. I never wanted to have children or get married but I think the fact that I'll be turning twenty five soon has been running around in my head and my thoughts on some things have changed. I picture myself with a man I love dearly, devoted, finally devoted to him. Being proud of the dinner thats on the table, having hope and faith in him and being their biggest fan. Unable to stay mad at night while I lay beside him, waiting until their asleep to tell them im sorry and kiss them on the back of their shoulder. Doing creative things together, making love in the afternoon, smiling from ear to ear all from a look. And then children...I think this only changed after I had the abortion..seeing one year olds smile at their mothers, such peaceful eyes. choosing the perfect name..picking out clothes for them, singing them songs my father sung me, teaching them the importance and rules of life according to us, parents. As they grow older playing my old records for them, telling them stories of my childhood, taking tons of pictures due to the lack of mine in the baby books that sit in my parents trunk. unconditional love.
And I don't want this now but maybe sometime when i'm ready and I find someone who wants to spend their time with me without excuses. When I find that guy who when im with the world quiets and disappears and we're the only two running around acting like teenagers, drunk and high off of each other. I want that. I want someone who tries to make me laugh not one who ask why im not smiling. The one who kisses me on my forehead countless times.
The thought arises that maybe I can't handle any of this, that maybe this isnt what I am, or want to be, that i'll never be emotionally stable enough to deal with having another person in my life, sometimes im just way too selfish. This is a dream world that society keeps forcing on me and my thoughts of love affairs, traveling the world because I have no children and I can do that if I want to, that I wont be able to stay with one man for the rest of my life...this all scares me but I know myself and I wont ever stop falling in love with people, never. And people won't stop falling for me and I can't always say no, I can't always do this. My heart pounds when im by him, around him, feeling his touch on my arm and face, my thighs and breast. How the hair on my skin stands up when i feel his cool breathe on the back of my neck. I want this. More than I've wanted a lot of things, willing to fight, to move on and leave my past in the past. And im scared that maybe i wont be able to do this, that the thought of another relationship will just stress me out, that i'll worry too much about this and that and what will happen in the future and I wont be able to just be here now with him. That it'll be too much for him to deal with, the way my mind works will be too much..it's always been too much for one to handle.