fuck off

Sometimes, sometimes i think too much, write too much, and love too much. I splatter my walls and pages and skin with emotions. this world is always going to hold so much back, and now I want to let everything go. I tried so hard to be that person that stood in the shadows like the secret russian spy trying to hide so much from everyone but now, now everyone knows what kind of cigarettes i smoke, they know that I switched from whiskey to vodka and they know where each and every one of my tattoos are. They know I got rid of his baby, that I cried the night before in the bathtub, that I wrote it all down-that I miss you still. I write too much down and say too much out loud and whisper too many i love you's while you're sleeping. But this is me and this is how I am and what do you expect me to say about you?

my writing has turned into shit

taxi driver
take me here
please
so that I may
listen to the music
watch the people
get high-
on the life and
lights
and sounds
the time and the space.
taxi driver please,
make your second right
so i can wake up in
someone else's bed
use someone else's bathroom
walk down another's stairs
feel like this life is amazing with
the little rays of light creeping
in through the cracks in blinds in the house
with the beer bottles half full
half empty on the table
and the smell of cigarettes floating through out
the house.
driver, take me home
so i can shower this man's scent off of me
and the booze from the night before
so i can sit there and read a book
or  pet one of the cats
and i'll put a record on and sing those
soul songs, the ones that make you
think about last nights and the ones
that make you get up and sway your hips
and taxi can we just sit here
at the light so that i can think
about all of this for a few
take it all in
drown in the scents and the thoughts
of the him's and you's and they's and always the I's.

walkin' to work
and it's too fucking hot out
the car bit the dust finally
where the hell did my spirit go?

in dreams i dance with you

i'm too fucking scared to call,
fear of silence, of not knowing what to say or better yet
knowing what to say but
too afraid to actually say it in fear of the silence i'll recieve from you.
i love(d) you, still do
but  in a different way.
courage to speak your mind and not back down
but also knowing when to admit you are wrong is what you
have taught me.
and i was wrong about a lot of things- wrong for falling for someone who is as stubborn as i,
wrong for
romanticizing your suicidal tendencies, thinking i could perhaps save you-
finding out that you never wanted to be saved.
finding out that you never had any love inside for me..
you gave it all away to a girl who could care less about you now
you've written the songs, thought those thoughts constantly, wondered-
what she was doing-
and how you will deal with it when you have to see her face again.
and it always happens this way, the lover
falling
in love too soon-
too much-
and being too kind-
and you finally realize that your time was up and that it doesnt matter anymore that there was no love there for
you
because
you
grabbed all you could from him and he gave it to you.

empty stomach

when did we become strange collisions of beauty and violence?

My head starts to feel dizzy like a whirlpool,  the ones where as a kid you and all your friends would walk or try to run around the outer sides creating this hurricane of dreams in the middle and then stopping and letting yourselves float with the current. When it starts to feel like this I get nervous and scared that it's coming back. That feeling where nothing matters anymore and your worthless and your life is one big fuck up and a waste of time. I know it's not, I know that I got a handle on this for once, that I can finally deem myself as having some kind of fucking potential. And it only took what? Twenty odd years to get here.

Tropic of Libra

henry miller playing
in the background on
a tape you had made.
12% malt liquor resting in our
blood and stomachs.
you fucking me,
i fucking you, and us-
fucking each other.
i laugh to myself  and
thank the gods we're both people
who read books.